I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
