i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
