I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
