Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
