the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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