Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
