I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
There r osticjed everywhere
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
