HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
