To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
