he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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