just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
