i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
