drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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