omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
