Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
