Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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