This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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