I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
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