the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
