Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
