Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Randomize
