also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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