i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Randomize
