Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
You dont lie about slip and slides
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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