True but thats because hes a fetus.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
