I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You were trust falling into bushes
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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