Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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