The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
