Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
