I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
