i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
