I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
