Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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