If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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