Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
