I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
