cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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