i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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