If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
