the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
