I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
