My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
