Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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