How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
