My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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