ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
