can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
