Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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