I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
