Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
