Me too!
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
