Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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